on: life & relationship

not too long ago, india.arie made an appearance on 106 & park to talk about her new album. in the course of the interview, she was asked why she subtitled the album "love and relationship", with 'relationship' being singular instead of plural. i'm writing about it because i remember her reply bein pretty damn tight.

she basically said that she wasn't speaking on EVERY relationship, but rather that ONE relationship that we all have (or will have) that completely changes us. she went on to say that all of us will have that one relationship in our lives that marks a big changing point, whether the relationship works out or not. men will always remember that woman with whom he became a man. women will always remember the man who showed them the beauty of their womanhood. and THAT, though love may have preceded, and greater love may follow, is the relationship. its like a bigass paradigm shift, ya dig? (okay so EYE said some of that, but thats the point she was makin).

so... (you already know what i'm gonna say next)

that got me to thinkin.

have i had my relationshiP (no 's') yet? that's an interesting question, with both answers havin some unique ramifications. if i HAVE had my relationshiP, that could be a bad thing. does that mean that this, the way things have been for me, are the best that they're gonna get? am i already in the midst of my 'love denouement'? if thats the case then the future looks pretty damn bleak, no? shit.

*pause* yo, in writin this, i have already used "paradigm", "ramifications", and "denouement" in sentences. RESPECK MY LITERARY GANGSTA!! *unpause*

what if i haven't had my relationshiP yet? does that mean that i'm destined to go through even MORE shit with these women than i already have? not sure if i'm signing up for that. furthermore, i hate to sound stuck up, but i think i'm already a pretty damn good catch! i feel like my life and relationships have taught me a lot, and all that experience makes me pretty good boyfriend material (at least thats what all the girls that break up with me say *smh*). so what paradigm shift is there left for me to go through? i like bein in love, but i don't know that i'm prepared to go through too many more changes in pursuit of it, ya dig?

if i were to assume that i HAVE had that relationshiP, who would it be? i think i'd have to say Kedra was that one. i had a lil bit of everything with that girl. she was there to help me through some of the lowest times i've been through, sometimes without even knowin she was helpin. now, she was also the CAUSE of some major low times for me, but hell i gave her a fair share of head and heart ache myself. and that was the ill part, cuz through all the stress & bullshit she still loved me. hell i believe she still loves me now. we had built somethin that doesn't just go away. and i'm better for having had the experience.

of that relationshiP.

my favorite web acronyms / hodgepodge

GTFOHWTBS - get the fuck outta here with that bullshit

NGCCOT - nothin good can come of this

NIAAYAT - NIGGA I AINT ASK YOU ALL THAT!! (my fave, use it on randolph all the time)

WTF-EVER - self explanatory


um...random internet stuff.

i've been a member at one time or another of these messageboards
okp
bgol
dward's
loosie
RE:NY
havoc
damn i figured there'd be more than that

i've had profiles on:
facebook
okp directory
myspace
paxed
blackplanet
thats all thats coming to mind

former AIM names:
dreluva99 (shoot me)
stillwaters503
paradigm503
note: in my GT heyday i had like 95 ppl on my buddy list. now i have 36, and i dont talk to all of them. THAT'S PROGRESS.

number of people i've "blocked" via the internet:
1 (semi-stalker)

number of people who have "blocked" me via internet:
2 (both exes, both for shit reason, 1 unblocked me though)

number of computers i've had:
5 (6 if you count the TREO)

(which you should)

number of computers i've given away:
1 (i was in love!)

ppl who's blogs i read regularly:
lena
trace (UPDATE, NIGGA.)
donwill
dward
nika
postsecret
overheard in NY
dj drama
crunk & disorderly

people i have "met" off the internet:
alex (surprise!!)
chiquita
diamon
candyce
a rack of okp's

amount of sex i've gotten off the internet:
yeah fuckin right...hard enough in the real world...
also: NO CASUAL SEX!!

pardon my outburst of lyrics today...

i've been at my desk jammin, earphones on, just tryin to escape from a bunch of bullshit.

each song or verse i posted is a song or part of a song or verse that reminds me of someone i loved (or at least liked a lot). some happy, some not-so-much. some of the feelings still apply, some of them expired, some of them expired a long-ass time ago. either way, i was jammin and rememberin at the same time, so i figured i'd share with y'all.

i started to match names/stories with the verses, but decided against it. quit meddlin'.

never can say goodbye

never can say goodbye
no, no, no, no
never can say goodbye...

even though the pain and heartache
seems to follow me wherever i go
though i try and try to hide my feelings
they always seem to show
then you try to say you're leaving me
and i always have to say "no!"

tell me why (tell me why)
is it so? (is it so?)
that I...
never can say goodbye
no, no, no, no
never can say goodbye...

everytime i think i've had enough
and start heading for the door
there's a very strange vibration
that pierces me right to the core
it says "turn around you fool!
you know you love her more & more!!"

tell me why (tell me why)
is it so? (is it so?)
don't wanna let you go!!!
i never can say goodbye, girl
i never can say goodbye
no no no, no no no, OOH!
i never can say goodbye, girl
i never can say goodbye
no no no, no no no, OOH!

never can say goodbye
no no no, i
never can say goodbye...

i keep thinkin that our problems
soon are all gonna work out
but there's that same unhappy feelin
there's that anguish, there's that doubt
its the same old dingy hangup,
can't deal with you or without

tell me why (tell me why)
is it so? (is it so?)
don't wanna let you go!!!
i never can say goodbye, girl
i never can say goodbye
no no no, no no no, OOH!
i never can say goodbye, girl
i never can say goodbye
no no no, no no no, OOH!

song cry

a face of stone
was shocked on the other end of the phone
word back home was that you had a special friend...
so what was oh so special then,
you have given away without gettin at me
that's YOUR fault,
how many times you forgiven me?
how was i to know that you were plain sick of me?
i know the way a nigga livin was WACK
but you don't get a nigga back like THAT
shit, i'm a man with pride,
you don't do shit like that
you don't pick up and leave
and leave me sick like that
you don't throw away what we have
just like that
i was just fuckin them girls, i was gon' get right back
they say you can't turn a bad girl good
but once a good girl's gone bad,
she's gone forever
i mourn forever
shit i gotta live with the fact i did you wrong forever...

i can't see 'em comin down my eyes
so i gotta make the song cry

cheers 2 u

if i had a wish, baby i wish
he never left you feelin like this
cuz i can feel your pain
but if you just could get over him
maybe some wine, will empty your mind
girl i'ma make it better
now can we dim the lights
and lets make a choice that it will be alright

cheers 2 u
for givin me a chance
i'll be your angel
guardian man
cheers 2 u
for givin me a chance
i'll be your angel
guardian man

i know we can win
and you can depend on me
through the thick and thin
till the very end
i gotcha back
so open ya heart and let me come on in
and i'll be your king
and you'll be the queen of my heart and my soul
everything i treasure
so let me ease your mind
and let's make a toast that it will be alright...

i get a kick out of you

pardon me if i butcher the lyrics


trust me baby, i confide
in your love...
time away makes me come back
to you, can't deny
every way that we coincide is love
all we know is to love with our souls
while drinking, love's liquor
i, i get a kick
out of you....

not like crazy

(pardon me, i feel musical today)


Jill Scott - Not Like Crazy
(august 5th!!!)


When we first met
I was surprised, to get
that feelin', that feelin'
the kind that don't wash away with soap
so sweet to me, oooh, the kind of feelin I need
to guide me through my darkest days
for you, I prayed

What you do is crazy, baby
not like you belong, in an asylum
crazy baby
like the sun in the mornin and the moon at night
like the rain fallin from the sky
like the trees growin from the ground
i'm astounded baby
by your love for me, and your touchin me
and your trustin me
like you do, woo woo
woo woo

Even now, I still feel that feelin'
although we've grown, we're still
on the same side
Of the proverbial road,
headed in the same direction
I'm so glad to know
with you I spend my time

What you do is crazy, baby
not like you belong, in an asylum
crazy baby
like the sun in the mornin and the moon at night
like the rain fallin from the sky
like the trees growin from the ground
i'm astounded baby
by your love for me, and your touchin me
and your trustin me
like you do, woo woo
woo woo

gone a long time

been a second since i seent ya
even longer since you saw me
with the same eyes as you did
before your vision got faulty
clouded by hate, doubted my mate,
pouted but wait,
out of my state, now it gets late,
without her face
here to remind me of the time she loved me blindly
i could find a million reasons why i lied
excuses left the truth behind
now i'm past tense,
man this shit was all my fault
she had hints, asked friends
said it was all my loss
down here in Dating Purgatory
other girls that know her story
i'm told on the first date, to make it to the second
wasn't worthy
heard she found what i couldn't give
a picket fence, a dog, and kid
husband with a sharper wit
and Cinderella's slipper fit
aint this a bitch?!?
thought i hit the mark, but on some 'narrow miss'
almost hit dating gold, but got the next man rich
the best revenge is livin well
she doin her thing, and uh..
i messed it up over a fling.

in my mind....

~ i spoke to my brother for a good while last night. i'm gettin more & more proud of him everyday. i hope he straightens shit out and is able to accomplish all the things he wants to accomplish, without makin some of the same dumbass mistakes i did.

~ i went out and had a nice, platonic, fun time with a very pretty lady last night. i think, for right now at least, that's as good as it gets. hell i was even back in the house at a respectable hour. *nods*

~ so maybe nice guys DON'T finish last. they damn sure dont finish first though. but i'ma continue doin my gentlemanly thing. not gonna be lookin for love or Mrs. Right though, cuz all that shit is a myth. i can still be good to people though, you never know what might happen.

~ NO CASUAL SEX! lol if you're wondering why i have to keep telling myself this, it's because i HAVE to keep telling myself this

~ for some reason, lately i'm easily distracted as hell. i can't focus on one thing for more than a few minutes. wtf's up with that?

~ had a text conversation with *her* last night, pretty interesting. but then...

~ i went and looked at her page today. oh why oh why did i do that shit?? i took her off my friends lists for exactly this reason, so i wouldnt go and look at her shit and see somethin or read a comment that would make me angry or jealous or just feelsomekindaway. *failed*

~ in a related note: in the World of Andre, actions speak louder than words, chief. remember that.

~ Givin' up
is hard to do
when you really love someone
Givin' up...so hard to do
When you still depend upon
Her warm and tender touch
Her kiss and her hug...her caress
Ooooh that used to mean so much
And bring you, happiness...

Donny Hathaway

~ fuck all that though i'm still a KING.

~ i got plans to get up with some ppl in ATL and kick it this weekend, and i wanna skip out on that shit SO BAD. it was my idea though, so i don't wanna do it like that.

~ a young lady that i haven't spoken to in YEARS popped up yesterday, and said something that made me smile. funny how you have yourself convinced that someone has forgotten you.

~ frowny face mixtape volume II is JAMMIN'. 120 tracks of HEAT...to let you know that shit is played out like an 8-track~

~ i really hate hate hate the "it's goin DOWWWWN" song now. stop playin that shit already.

~ and that "i'm bossy" shit too. although i do like how she says, "CUZ I'M A BAAWWWS!!"

~ whoever i go to the erykah/jill/queen concert with, is gonna see me flat-out embarass myself. i already know that there ain't no way i'm maintainin my gangsta once erykah hits that stage.

~ my outfit was the pits today, but i was hella fly yesterday, so it all balances out, right?

~ one of my male co-workers that i'm kinda cool with tried to "introduce" me to a white girl yesterday, i'm not sure exactly how offended i should be.

~ she was BAD for a whitegirl though. still tho, not for me.

~ i want a digital camera, but i told myself NO MORE BIG PURCHASES for the next lil while.

~ my homegirl came to town this past weekend, and i completely flauged out on her (thereby retaining my crown as King of the 'Flauge). but i had good reason to though
1.) she was with some guy, don't know if it was HER guy but she don't usually roll like that so i'll assume
2.) she hit me up at like 11pm on some "i'ma be in memphis in 30 minutes whats happenin tonight? usually i'd be ALL IN for somethin like that, but i've been gettin my Super Homebody on lately, and quite frankly, i aint tryin to hear that shit
3.) fuck am i explaining myself for?

~ i'm lonely.

"never underestimate the power of a sincere apology"

a friend wrote that recently, and i believe that is 100% true...

but, WHERE MINE'S AT?!?!?

i think that's what i've been missing this whole time: sincerity. all i've been gettin from people is a bunch of tellin me what they think i wanna hear, or what they think will get the proper reaction from me. and it makes me mad, cuz like i said before, i see straight through it.

i guess you can't expect sincerity from people that aren't genuine though. i'm gettin sick of the petty shit, too.

*pause* i just gave a friend some good advice...glad to know i'm still good for somethin!

*unpause*

but yeah, i said somethin before that i'd like to revisit

nice guys finish last

i really meant that shit. and i don't know whats gonna happen to me. i hate feelin like i gotta leave all that happy shit behind and go back to "old andre" but try as i might i can't see myself puttin myself out there for ppl anymore. where are all the good people at? EVERYBODY complains that they've been done wrong, but where are the people who are actually tryin to do RIGHT?? funny, i never meet them. everybody's got a fuckin excuse as to why they fucked you over. maybe its time to join the club.

and now for a complete 180....i still want my family. my wifey and 3-5 kids. but i keep tellin myself that if i really wanted to make that happen, that i'd have to get started sometime soon! my prospective babies mommas keep bailin on me tho! fuck that tho i still think i'd make a great father.

does that mean my biological clock is ticking?

*pause* wow i just IMed ol girl and she igged the shit outta me. fuggit. *unpause*

i was REALLY mean to a girl this past weekend, which let me know i'm not really ready yet. OR maybe it means my pimpin' is back, and i AM ready (to do all the wrong things). who knows? hell, i got enough friends tho.

No Casual Sex! i'm better than that, yo.

the ladies be lookin SO GOOD, tho. haha, luckily my angst is stronger than any lust i could conjure up.

i'm lonely.

me & nat were having one of our usual "fuck love" IM conversations today. i told her i no longer believe in soulmates. if she exists, my soulmate prolly somewhere right now pregnant by another dude. thats how it works, i think, i'm just destined to take L's in that department. it's fucked up cuz i think of all the other shit i go through. take for instance that post i put up earlier today about my job. there are 1000 different things that i do half-assed, but i seem to fuckin excel at that shit. i can half ass at work and get praise and a promotion. i can half ass when i'm volunteering and the kids will cry when i leave and write me letters. i can half ass in school and still pull decent grades. but the ONE thing that i've taken time to REALLY improve at, to REALLY put my all into, mind body & soul, and i can't get that shit right for nothin.

nice guys finish last.

on: karma & reciprocity

so a real good friend of mine is goin through a tough, tough time. bad enough to the point where it affects me, and i'm about ready to hit the road to help this man out in any way i can.

it's crazy how this is workin out though. this fella is a GOOD DUDE, and somehow he's gotten himself, or allowed others to get him in this position.

it's very unfair, and it gets me to thinking about myself. too many times i have been in his exact same starting position, knowing full well the possible consequences of my path, and chosen to roll the dice anyway. but i've NEVER had to "pay the piper", per se. i've always gotten off scot-free. this fella, who only stepped out there once, and was nervous as hell about it, boom! done on the first go-round. why not me? not wishing ill on MYSELF, but i know i'm waaaay more able to handle myself and deal with the consequences than dude is. he's scared as hell and doesn't know what to do.

so how does karma work, exactly? in the past, i put myself out there MANY a time, and walked away clean. my guy steps out once, and that's a wrap. i did what i did, KNOWING what the price would be, and said 'fuck it' and did it anyway. he did his piece basically because somebody put him in a bad position, and now he has to pay for it, and could end up taking some major losses. shouldn't it have been the other way?

at the very least though, i have my experiences to fall back on, and i can be there for him, cuz he is definitely gonna need me.

the boss said somethin REAL nice to me this morning...

you may not have known, but i've been goin thru some lil personal thangs lately...lol.

but yeah my performance at work kinda suffered for it. i hadn't seen my boss in a couple of weeks, with her travelling out of country for stuff, but i KNOW that she's monitored my workload and whatnot, and i know she's probably aware that i've been less-than-productive lately, right?

well fast-forward to last week, and i had an interview for another position within the company (a move i'd REALLY like to make, though i kinda doubt i'll get it).

anyway, after the slacking off and the interview, i run into my boss in the lobby this morning on the way in. she's all smiles and happy to see me, so i'm like "okay maybe she's NOT trippin". and she asks me about the interview i had (did i mention i didn't even inform her that i was gonna apply for this other job until the VERY last minute, like 10 mins before the interview, but i digress).

and i tell her how i feel like i did well in the interview, but i've heard thru the grapevine that they've already chosen one of the other candidates.

she smiled and was like "i bet they haven't!"

i'm like damn what YOU know that i don't??

and then she looks at me and is like, "i'm gonna find out for you. i'd hate to lose you as an employee, but i'd hate it even more if this company lost you. we're gonna do what we have to do to keep you happy."

dead serious!!

you know a nigga was cheesin hard as hell after that!

IT'S IN THE MUUUUSIC!

"...turn it up, let it knock
let it bang, on the block
till the neighbors call the cops..
the cops gon' come
but they aint gon' do shit
they don't want no problems
what are y'all, stupid??

it's ALL in the music!!"


damn this new Roots CD is jammin! this shit is BOUGHT when it comes out.

movin' on up

got a pretty big project today at work, finally gonna have to back up this shit i've been talkin to my boss these last 2 months.

BUT, if i bust this shit out, MO MONEY MO MONEY MO MONEY.

wish me luck folk.

i've been writing all this shit with such emotion, love, and anger

knowing that she knew my blog address

and would read it

and would not respond

and would not care

doesn't that make ME the loser?

lol, on to some happy stuff...

i'm with lena, it's all champagne from here on.

The sunset over the Mighty Mississippi

"it's like a livin' piece of art!" (c) 'Lonzo

here, my dear.

"i'm insecure,
and i can't help it
my mind, says move on
my heart, lags behind"

some good "thinking time" has passed since i told her we couldnt be 'friends' anymore. supposedly, in my mind, that decision was for the best. i couldnt stand being close to her but not HAVING her. being her friend but not being her confidant. knowing that someone else was taking the place that i used to fill. being around her and hearing her talk to someone else on the phone the way she used to talk to me. i talked to her almost everyday, and I LISTENED. i listen for a slight ray of hope in her voice. that maybe she still IS in love with me, that maybe she DOES regret ending things the way she did, that maybe she really does want to be with me, but don't know how to say it. but, as hard as i listen, i never hear it. it was torture, and my mind told me i HAD to free myself.

my heart lags behind though.


"never knew that love could hurt like this
never thought i would but i got dissed
makes me feel so sad and hurt inside
feel embarrased so i want to hide"

it's a lot that goes into lovin a motherfucker, too. its more than just "oh she look good, i'ma talk to her", and y'all just hit it off. hell, if ONLY it were that easy. in my opinion, SOULS have to be aligned, in tune, and in step, and thats when love comes out to play. i thought i had that with her. i felt safe with her. haha jokes on me.
so now the question is, the fuck am i supposed to do now? she bounced back and moved on to the next nigga(s) in a week, maybe sooner. its been damn near 2 months and i'm still sittin here like "wtf happened?". i feel stupid as fuck sometimes, i invested SO MUCH into this thing, and now its gone. i just wanna jump back into my bubble, and be like FUCK THE REST OF THE WORLD, and do for me and only me. that's the only person i can trust, right?


"just make love to me,
just one more time and then you'll see...
i can't believe i made a desperate plea..."

then i made the mistake of believing that my love was strong enough to heal anything. that if she could see in person, could hear, could FEEL how much i loved her, she would get over whatever insecurity drove her away from me. if she could see that i'm here, for her, and that i aint goin nowhere, things would be okay, right? wrong.


"don't you wanna be strong with me?
you told me we had a family"

so here i stand, buried up to the waist in a pile of broken promises, empty words, and lost hope. maybe true love is a myth. at the best of my experience, what people call "love" is really fleeting. people "love" you no more than they "love" their favorite song. they'll jam the shit out of you, until the next new hit comes out, then you're back to the bottom of the CD pile with the rest of the castoffs. thats how i feel, loved and left.


"you cant be what i need you to
and I DON'T KNOW WHY I FUCK WITCHU"

and then i reach this point. the point of "fuck is the point of worryin' bout you? you aint worryin' bout me!" you're doin ur fuckin thang, right? well do it, just miss me with that 'friend' shit in the meantime, dig? it fucks with me that its taken me so long to completely kick this thing. i tried my best, i really did give everything i had to give. it wasn't enough for you, cool. i can deal with that. today is a better day than yesterday was. tomorrow's gonna be even greater, you can bet your sweet ass on that. this is my last sad, sad blog about this shit, i promise. hence the here, my dear, cuz like marvin, this is all i've got left to give. ion't know how long it'll take me to really "move on" or if i'll be able to attempt to feel the same way about another, but i'm done. my lessons are learned, chronicled, and reinforced. this shit is officially Black History, put it down in a book somewhere. in a lot of ways, hurt has been replaced with anger. and that's not HEALTHY, but its damn sure helpful. i'll just concentrate on ME, do for me. pick up a hobby or two. get a good book and get all in it, try a little yoga for a minute, you know, shit like that. but i'm done being overwhelmed by heartbreak. matter fact this blog is already too damn long. bye.


"i know our love will never be the same,
but i can't stand these growing pains...."

yes, yes i can.

dwele speaks...

I lied,
I said you were The Truth
You took it as The Truth
And now I got you
but I don't want you like that...

a.k.a. "selling the dream"

now i just need a date....volunteers?

lFrom: ticket@reply.ticketmaster.com <mailto:ticket@reply.ticketmaster.com>
Date: 14 Jul 2006 07:39:19 -0700
Subject: Your Ticketmaster Order (confirmation number)
To: me@gmail.com
Thank you for purchasing tickets on Ticketmaster.Your order number for this purchase is 777-9311/ATL.
You will receive your tickets via: Standard Mail - Your tickets will be mailed to your billing address and delivered no later than 48 hours before the event in a plain unmarked white envelope. We'll email you when your tickets are printed and about to be shipped.

You purchased 2 tickets to:
_______________________________________
Sugar Water Festival W/Queen Latifah, Erykah Badu & Jill Scott
Chastain Park Amphitheatre Peter Conlon Presents, Atlanta, GA
Saturday August 05, 2006 7:00 pm
Seat location: up front bidges!!
Total Charge: too gatdamn much.

5 albums i could not, could not, COULD NOT live without...

1.) Erykah Badu - Mama's Gun

If'n you know even a lil bit about me, this is pretty obvious. oh, by the way, I might FINALLY get to see erykah in concert next month in atlanta! gotta find a date tho.

(in case you're interested: mama's gun, worldwide underground, baduizm, live 2, live 1, in that order, and yes that was VERY hard to do)

2.) Eightball & MJG - In Our Lifetime

GREAT, great album from front to back. ball & g left the headbussin alone for a minute, and came out with some real, true, introspective shit. a real grown man album, and probably their best work.

3.) Roy Hargrove & The RH Factor - Hardgroove

the meaning of what "jazz/hip-hop fusion" is supposed to sound like, if it exists. guest features from common, q-tip, erykah, me'shell, d'angelo, et. al help this album move along, but this shit is CARRIED by roy hargrove and his horns. powerful music.

4.) Marvin Gaye - I Want You

grown folks music right here. try not to make no babies tho.

5.) UGK - Ridin' Dirty

this album carried me through a LOT of hard times, like Pimp C and Bun-B were right there livin that shit with me. to this day nobody can say nothin bad to me about UGK, especially this album.

smoking cigarettes

naw, not in any particular mood, this song is just JAMMIN!

Artist: Tweet
Song: Smoking Cigarettes
Typed by: i really got TOO many songs memorized...

"Why, oh why? (why...)
I gave you several years of my life
and it just ain't right
what's your perception of love?
Now how many times did we say it was over?
And how many times did we not leave?
there's no sense in this love hangover
Please come back to me

Cuz I can't forget your ways
I still remember our first kiss
oooooh
I'm nervous and trembling
smoking cigarettes at night
wondering where you been
smoking cigarettes at night
I can't cope with this
smoking cigarettes at night
you're the one who helped me quit
smoking cigarettes at night

In the midnight hour,
late in the midnight hour...

I see the edge of your face
and it makes it hard for me to BREATHE
what can I do, to change your decision
Please work with me! (me, me...)
now sometimes my eyes won't close from weepin'
and sometimes I can't wake up from sleepin'
(why?)
cuz you keep calling me...keep CALLING ME
in my dreams...

I can't forget your ways
I still remember our first kiss
You got me nervous and trembling
smoking cigarettes at night
wondering where you been
smoking cigarettes at night
I can't cope with this
smoking cigarettes at night
you're the one who helped me quit
smoking cigarettes at night

Newports, Winstons, Salems, Marlboro Lights
don't matter what the kind is
smokin out on you, got me puffin
bout a pack a night
(pack a night...)
and I KNOW, it ain't HEALTHY

Nervous and trembling
smoking cigarettes at night
wondering where you been
smoking cigarettes at night
I can't cope with this
smoking cigarettes at night
you're the one who helped me quit
smoking cigarettes at night

No it ain't healthy
Smokin'...
Gotta quit!

and on to the second verse...

a couple days ago, i posted a verse to one of my favorite songs (my my homeboy and That Nigga Extrodinaire, donwill)

its a verse about dealing with a breakup & the feelings involved, especially when one party "moves on" a lot quicker than the other person does.

i was riding in the car the other day, and the song came on in the mix. its been months since i've heard it, really, but something on THAT DAY made that song, and especially that verse, hit me hard as hell. to be simple: i was FEELIN that shit. hence the blog entry.

well, true to my style, i've been bumpin that song in the ride pretty consistently since the weekend...which led to yet another discovery.

the second verse.


"Fast-forward past a broken heart
when the chain smokin' starts,
your name no longer spoken
with harsh words surroundin' it
took a while, i found a fit
a hard habit to kick,
I think that we're in love
ain't that some shit?
and we're passionate, beyond intimate
i'm ready to commit
yo you gotta admit
that i've changed for the better
even though we ain't together
everytime you think about ME
you realize you'll never ever ever ever..."

and i listened (again, just like it was the first time) and i was just like...

fa sho

so he's talking about the NEXT phase, movin on to the new love. i mean, it's gotta be out there somewhere, right? maybe i'm ready to go get it? maybe not, but i know its possible.

some wisdom

haha i know it looks like i'm just bloggin my ass off today, but i promise i'm gettin plenty work done over here too. but anyway.... i was given this pretty dope quote today (edit: I've seen it before), figured i'd share.


Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves,as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.
Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is to live everything. Live the question now.
Perhaps then, some day far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

- Rainer Maria Rilke, trans. by Stephen Mitchell

sayyagonnabe, areyagonnabe, sayyagonnabe, areyagonnabe

sayyagonnabeeeee

WELL, well... WELL WELL!!!

my absolute FAVORITE luther song...

game recognize game...

you'd be surprised at how often simple people forget that shit. i've been laughin inside lately, as someone who's supposed to be close to me has been tryin to run some lil simple ass "game" on me. nothin too dramatic, just little white lies, some half-truths, and telling stories while obviously omitting some important detail. now i admit i've been outta the 'gaming' business for a while...but FUCK THAT i helped write the manual! if you gonna try to pull some shit on me, don't do some simple shit from Chapter 1, thinkin I'm too dumb, or too uninvolved, or too far away to catch on. i see all that shit you're doin.

all i can do is laugh about it, cuz i see it happening...but far be it from me to trip. i just let it go on, no need to raise a fuss about it, right? that just lets me know how much and how far I can trust that person. no need to blow up spots.

although I must say, its kinda hurtful to the pride, cuz i'm sittin here like "damn...you really think i'm stupid, huh?". i tell ya man, you try to be good to people...

fuck it.

a thug's prayer

Dear Lord,

Please forgive us for all the sins
we have brought upon us,
and look down upon us with forgiveness
for all the sins we will have in the future.
I know You understand that niggas aint perfect,
but we try Lord.
We try to keep our heads up in bad times,
and this is a bad time.
Please show us the way,
and if You can't show us the way,
then please forgive us for being lost.

Amen

(c) Sweetpea

custom made M&Ms?

who knew???

http://www.mymms.com/customprint/index.asp

and that makes me feel as if my, love for you don't mean nothin

anything at aaaalll........


"I ran across your photo,
about a day or so ago
the thoughts passed in slo-mo
I don't know how you let us go
from sugar to shit like this
a better love don't exist
before we shared our last kiss
I was smothered in bliss
and I can barely stand
how you keep his name on your lips
got your attention
and he took away that sway in your hips
its hateful to wish
misfortune, but he's sportin my chick
I'd rather wonder who you with
be in the dark, clueless
if this was really what? (love...)
then why you actin like you don't care
my feelings ain't went (nowhere...)
so now I walk around, heavy hearted
thinkin back on how we started
could go back to where we parted
but I'd rather focus on the heart of it
probably why I sit and reminisce like this
I guess I figure, since I miss you
that you feelin like this
you should be runnin through some tissues
with a quiverin lip
instead you runnin round with this fool,
chillin an shit

IT'S RIGHT HERE!"

Can I Help You Enjoy That Snickers?...

lol i'm lovin this commercial

Happy peanuts stroll...over chocolate covered mountaintops
And waterfalls of caaaarrraaaammmeeel
Prancing nouget in the meadow
Sings a song of satisfaction toooooo the woooooorrrllldd!


http://www.transbuddha.com/mediaHolder.php?id=1981

love of my own

Artist: Eric Benet
Song: Love of My Own
typed by: me again, sorry y'all i'm in that simpish lil mood again, bear w/ me.

Somewhere in a memory,
an image fades from the years
yet still I see, my love and me
together
Her face, washed away
by the salt of my tears
but I can feel, so vivid still
the love I felt for her

Someone's lying by me,
but I'm all alone
Soon she'll have to say, goodbye
Somewhere there's a heartbeat
of the love of my own
Everyday my heart beats
with a prayer, to find her

Chorus:

Take time to play around
Same games it's up and down
Can't wait till I've finally found
A love of my own
Take time to play the field
Take a chance, spin the wheel
Till I find something real
A love of my own


Flash back to a memory
because the picture's so clear
a love high, so divine
there's nothing better
Heaven is so far away,
but she'll bring it right here
and I believe, that she can see
my face in her fantasy

No one's here beside me
she had to go
so I'll start my search, again
someday love will find me
when I don't know
but from that day, and there on,
in her arms, is where I'll be...yeah.

high life

Cohiba...

We big tyme!!

lessons learned

for so much of my life, i was a selfish dude. quick tempered. FIERCELY independant. Impatient. you know, young "illegal". about 3 yrs ago, while goin through some self-inflicted trials, I made the decision to do the "right thing". be a "good guy". be patient, kind, loving, give ppl the benefit of the doubt. have trust. love wholly. alladat. not saying that i'm perfect, cuz i still have my very large flaws, but i've been working on them a WHOLE lot, and i've gotten a lot better over this time.

3 years later, i've come away from all of that with a life lesson, and a startling reality.

nice guys finish last.