here, my dear.

"i'm insecure,
and i can't help it
my mind, says move on
my heart, lags behind"

some good "thinking time" has passed since i told her we couldnt be 'friends' anymore. supposedly, in my mind, that decision was for the best. i couldnt stand being close to her but not HAVING her. being her friend but not being her confidant. knowing that someone else was taking the place that i used to fill. being around her and hearing her talk to someone else on the phone the way she used to talk to me. i talked to her almost everyday, and I LISTENED. i listen for a slight ray of hope in her voice. that maybe she still IS in love with me, that maybe she DOES regret ending things the way she did, that maybe she really does want to be with me, but don't know how to say it. but, as hard as i listen, i never hear it. it was torture, and my mind told me i HAD to free myself.

my heart lags behind though.


"never knew that love could hurt like this
never thought i would but i got dissed
makes me feel so sad and hurt inside
feel embarrased so i want to hide"

it's a lot that goes into lovin a motherfucker, too. its more than just "oh she look good, i'ma talk to her", and y'all just hit it off. hell, if ONLY it were that easy. in my opinion, SOULS have to be aligned, in tune, and in step, and thats when love comes out to play. i thought i had that with her. i felt safe with her. haha jokes on me.
so now the question is, the fuck am i supposed to do now? she bounced back and moved on to the next nigga(s) in a week, maybe sooner. its been damn near 2 months and i'm still sittin here like "wtf happened?". i feel stupid as fuck sometimes, i invested SO MUCH into this thing, and now its gone. i just wanna jump back into my bubble, and be like FUCK THE REST OF THE WORLD, and do for me and only me. that's the only person i can trust, right?


"just make love to me,
just one more time and then you'll see...
i can't believe i made a desperate plea..."

then i made the mistake of believing that my love was strong enough to heal anything. that if she could see in person, could hear, could FEEL how much i loved her, she would get over whatever insecurity drove her away from me. if she could see that i'm here, for her, and that i aint goin nowhere, things would be okay, right? wrong.


"don't you wanna be strong with me?
you told me we had a family"

so here i stand, buried up to the waist in a pile of broken promises, empty words, and lost hope. maybe true love is a myth. at the best of my experience, what people call "love" is really fleeting. people "love" you no more than they "love" their favorite song. they'll jam the shit out of you, until the next new hit comes out, then you're back to the bottom of the CD pile with the rest of the castoffs. thats how i feel, loved and left.


"you cant be what i need you to
and I DON'T KNOW WHY I FUCK WITCHU"

and then i reach this point. the point of "fuck is the point of worryin' bout you? you aint worryin' bout me!" you're doin ur fuckin thang, right? well do it, just miss me with that 'friend' shit in the meantime, dig? it fucks with me that its taken me so long to completely kick this thing. i tried my best, i really did give everything i had to give. it wasn't enough for you, cool. i can deal with that. today is a better day than yesterday was. tomorrow's gonna be even greater, you can bet your sweet ass on that. this is my last sad, sad blog about this shit, i promise. hence the here, my dear, cuz like marvin, this is all i've got left to give. ion't know how long it'll take me to really "move on" or if i'll be able to attempt to feel the same way about another, but i'm done. my lessons are learned, chronicled, and reinforced. this shit is officially Black History, put it down in a book somewhere. in a lot of ways, hurt has been replaced with anger. and that's not HEALTHY, but its damn sure helpful. i'll just concentrate on ME, do for me. pick up a hobby or two. get a good book and get all in it, try a little yoga for a minute, you know, shit like that. but i'm done being overwhelmed by heartbreak. matter fact this blog is already too damn long. bye.


"i know our love will never be the same,
but i can't stand these growing pains...."

yes, yes i can.