what about ur friieeeeeeends? (c) tionne & 'nem

me & an ex of mine used to have these "i don't have any real friends" debates.

i'm pretty sure the conversations were rooted in the fact that we both had hella anti-social attitudes about generally everything. it's a wonder that we found each other for that short time, lol.

but this blog aint about ol girl. it's about me & my lack of friends. moreso, its about me and why it's MY fault that i don't have any friends.

whats wrong with me?

i think i'm a nice guy. i'm funny and i'm good to hang around. i listen well and give good advice (unless i'm giving bad advice on purpose, which does happen). sure sometimes i toe the line between "blunt & real" and "asshole", but still. do i push ppl away?

i thought this as i sat at my homeboy's wedding a couple weeks ago. our whole lil "crew" from HS was there. we had all grown apart over the years, but we came together for that day and for that occasion, and it was OFF THE CHAIN. personally, i had kept up with a couple of the fellas over the years, talking to one maybe weekly and the other maybe once a month or so. for the most part all of us were pretty out of touch with each other. that's what made the reunion so sweet.

well except for one thing. all of "the crew" was IN the wedding, except for ol 'Dre.

now i tried not to act like my feelins were hurt or anything when i heard about it. my other homeboy called all excited talkin about we should go get fitted together and all this shit and i'm just like "fitted for what?" and he's like "terence's wedding....oh you aint in it?!" (lol!) but yeah man i gotta admit now my feelins mighta been a lil hurt. but i made sure to take my ass to the wedding because 1.) i am genuinely happy for the man and 2.) wasn't nobody there gonna say "oh dre aint show up cuz he mad he aint in the wedding.

to top it all off, when i get there and we're chillin and shootin the shit about old times and high school and what not, My Nigga The Groom is goin ON & ON about how he's so glad i'm there, my being there means the most out of everybody, etc, etc, blahzahfuckinblah.

okay y'all dont know this but this screen sat right here for like 5 minutes cuz i had said fuck it i wasnt gonna finish or post this entry but i'ma try. i guess i just typed all that wedding BS for nothin cuz thats only a small piece to a big puzzle. nigga still coulda made me a groomsman tho!

but back to the core question. do i push ppl away?

i think my answer would be "yes". and i could go on & on about trust issues, and beign hurt in the past and all that other bullshit people use to justify their unhealthy ways, but truth is i dont know WHY i do it. i'm just USED to being alone, solo. i gets lonely and i wanna have people close to share shit with, but i've never done it before and i sure as shit dont know how to start.

i've never had 'long term' friends, and i'm reticent to make them because i'm sure they'll go away eventually. maybe i'm over thinking things? i have old school buddies that i'd like to keep up with and know how their kids, girlfriends, jobs and shit are going. i've got e-friends that i'd like to actually TALK to instead of texting/IM'ing all the do dah day. but what happens when something goes wrong or someone else gets tired of me or doesnt have time for me when i need them or whatever, and i'm left on the outside lookin in again?

eh, fuck it. i was the flyest nigga at that wedding anyway. tux woulda held me back.