feelin better than some head on a sunday afternoon...

better than a chick that says "Yes" too soon
until you have a daughter,
that's what I call Karma
and you pray to God, she don't grow breasts too soon...
(c) Kanye

i swear i don't want daughters, y'all. that's just too much pressure for a man to have these days. ESPECIALLY with the way these young girls are comin up now.

i mean, in my day, i've convinced some ladies to do some things that would make thier fathers BURN UP if they knew about it! hell, sometimes i didn't even have to "convince" them! but NOW...man oh man. between 106 & park, sex in the city reruns playing in the daytime, Superhead bestsellers, and the flavor of dammit love, our princesses are NOT getting good lessons on how to grow into queens.

...

We dream the dreams of time long gone,
of words unable to say.
We pass the time to mourn dead hopes,
and stolen yesterdays.
We weep for lost apologies,
and promises thrown away.
Overwhelmed my the cost of love,
the price we had to pay.
But when the dusk of pain has passed,
the clouds have gone away.
A new and brighter day will rise,
from dark, to dawn, to day.
True love shall soon emerge again,
no longer held at bay.
As dreams come true, eventually,
love always finds a way.

(c) ME, NIGGA.

ANGRY TYPING!!!!

LLIK#O)W(_ING)(*#WK#)((&*%)*%KGH$#">":$#+)>$+>+$#_+)oj_sdds_s"ls

AAAARGHH!!!

I could tell from the moment U walked in the room

That it wasn't your dress U had on
That wasn't your perfume
And what happened 2 the ring that I gave U?
What am I 2 assume?

I love U, but I don't trust U anymore

U could tell from the moment U looked in my eyes
That I could see right through U
U must apologize
I've always given U the best in life
Even in the wrong, it was right

I know U trust me, but U don't love me anymore

No, no

I remember meeting U here in the good ol' days
I would never pick the flower of my favorite protege
Maybe if I would have...
Then U would not...
Treat me this way
U tricked me, but U will not,
Anymore...

No, no

I love U, but I don't trust U anymore

(c) Prince

i want a son.

i'd raise him right, i promise i would. i'd teach him to be a man.

i'd never shy away from teaching him a lesson, for fear of awkwardness. my father did that with me, and as a result i can't think of one single thing he's ever taught me about being a man. i guess thats why i learned all my lessons the hard way. i'm not goin out like that with my son, though.

i'll be hard, but fair. i won't soothe him when he cries, or placate him when he whines. i'll teach him to stand strong and silent, like a man should. i'll teach him to respect and obey his mother (even if we aren't together), and through this he'll learn to respect women. when he gets old enough i'll teach him about how to avoid these hoes.

i'll teach him about responsibility. i'll teach him about his role in the family, and how that role will change and grow as he gets older, until he's one day the head of his own family. i'll teach him to take resposibility for his own actions. i'll teach him to make the right decisions, more often than not. nobody is perfect, but we all know what the right thing to do is. i'll teach him to do it. i'll teach him accountability. he'll grow up learning how to manage money, to be financially responsible for himself and his family.

i'd teach him good music. he'd be up on everything before HIS time, and have appreciation for art that's even before MY time.

i'll teach him how to fight. i'll teach him how to shoot. more importantly, i'll teach him how to talk to people with respect, and how to demand respect of others. that way, hopefully he'll never have to fight or shoot anyone.

i want a chance to teach what i was forced to learn. to give what i never recieved. to shape a life, to build a man. too many "grown boys" out there these days, not enough men. i want a chance to do my part to change that.

i want a son.

in other news: fbgm. (myriad random thoughts)

~ i think i've re-given up on gettin married. lol this revelation came out of the blue as i sat at a concert saturday night waiting for mary j. blige to hit the stage. not sure what sparked it...but yeah, i give up on gettin married.

~ speakin of which, mary's show was off the chain!! two concerts in two weekends, i'm startin to get spoiled over here. i didn't know if i'd enjoy it, since the last mary album EYE bought was My Life, adn hell that came out in like '94...but i enjoyed it a lot.

~ also, props to jaheim for breakin out the silver sequined jacket when he performed "A House Is Not A Home"...he KILLT it, too!

~ i left my phone @ home today. i feel naked without it.

~ which is surprising, considering MY PHONE DONT RING NO MORE. its really depressing, kinda. whatever happened to the bigass Fan Club i had back in the day? lol hot damn have i fallen off.

~ i wanna be the Man Of Somelady's Dreams

~ is it possible to love bein single & hate bein lonely at the same time?

~ is it possible for me to stfu about my datin status for a min or two?

~ but y'all don't want me to talk real talk about DEEZ HOES, tho.

~ you really don't.

~ yeah i'm havin fun with the tildes, sue me.

~ i could never love a white woman. i don't even think i could fix my mind to lay one down.

~ trace, holla @ nutsack, fam. peace queen, btw. i do love you though.

~ NOT.

~ i gotta stop spendin money on CD's. FUCK GAME THEORY!! too bad its already pre-ordered :-/

~ fuck facebook and myspace, btw. how do you go about meeting someone off a site like this? i'm just not an "instant attraction" type dude. i can own up to it. women don't look at me and just be like "ooh i gotta have that nigga". NOPE. i tend to get by on charm, mystery, and jokes. unfortunately, on the internet that shit is all about DA PICS. so until i get the arms shoulders and abs straight, i can hang up any ideas of nigganet pimpin.

~hell that kinda runs into real life too. i dont get attention or "holla'd" at for my looks. i usually have to wear someone down over some days, weeks, or even years (its happened). which is kinda fucked up if you think about it, cuz i consider myself to be a moderately handsome dude. i guess i'm just not a STUNNA.

~ whatever tho, cuz in the end it all comes back to the subject line: fbgm.

i always root for others to fall in love

even as i've given up on my own "happy ending".

i've been meaning to write this for a lil while now... a couple weeks ago a pretty-lady-who-shall-remain-nameless wrote of "disappointment" for pursuing things with an ex of hers who had been less-than-kingly to her before. okay, so maybe he was a complete asshole to her, but why split hairs?? lol.

anyway, i'm writin this to tell that lady, FUCK DISAPPOINTMENT. the real disappointment would be lettin somethin real slip away from you, over pride. fuck it, roll the dice. if that man makes you feel tingly inside, and if his name in your inbox makes your finger stutter before you click the msg, and if the sound of a smile in his voice makes you forget any angry word spoken...then GO FOR IT. if you're gonna lose, you were gonna lose anyway by not trying. but you always gotta run with the possibility that you might WIN.

i'm not sure that i ever "won", but i bet that if & when i do, it'll be worth every single loss i've taken to date.

besides, whatever happened to love conquering all? was that some old cinderella / follow the rabbit hole / my porridge is JUST right type bullshit they feed us? maybe it is...but maybe it isn't! so do your thang, young lady. give it a shot with the fella, see if he'll act right and realize what he has right in front of his face. that's what its all about! you deserve that. you deserve to WIN!

just my thoughts...

~ it must be "Earn your Paycheck at Work Day" today, cuz i've been rippin & runnin since i walked through these doors

~ its a good feeling though, people are passing major projects and sensitive stuff on to me, i feel appreciated!

~ glad SOMEBODY'S appreciating me, cuz in the personal life, things have gotten kinda desolate again. hell my phone doesnt even ring anymore really. and when it does ring it's usually some FRIEND (irony!) calling. not somebody callin to tell me "hey dre ooh you so fine won't you be my man stop by after midnight"

~ not that i WOULD stop by after midnight....NCS!!

~ sometimes i get to sittin here, and i'll be looking at all the pretty ladies on myspace, or all the beautiful babies on facebook (cuz i dont socialize in real life, you knew that, right?) and i'll get to thinkin..."where mine's at??". it's a LOOOT of fine women out there, where's the one for me? i's lonely again i think. or horny? nah lonely.

~ NO CASUAL SEX!! (so nice i had to say it twice)

~ someone who's writing means a LOT to me, gave me a good "review" on something i wrote. that's whats up.

~ i gotta do SOMETHING this weekend. gotta.

~ i clicked on her myspace again (i know, i know). i was locked outta the GOOD stuff though, go figger. i'm done, i promise.

~ i've been helpin a friend through some "family" issues this week. feels good to be helpful to someone, especially without expecting or recieving anything in return. maybe lena was right, and nice guys DON'T finish last...

~ which reminds me of this quote i came across out there on the interweb:

The highest expression of love is to give without expecting, and to accept
without exception

~ yeah, thats what i be doin. them expectations will fuck u up every time! i don't mind giving though. hell, sometimes giving is all i have to offer. (it took me 5 minutes to figure out how to write that sentence and have it make sense to me...)

~ who will cry for me when i'm gone? save that one for next blog...

one of the many reasons i LOVE road trips

this scene was soooo peace to me.

to my woman

hey baby,

this is for you...

you've never let me down.

at times i've mistreated you. knowingly pushed you to your limits. used you for cheap thrills instead of nurturing you, caring for you, and providing for you.

you've never denied me access, or failed to deliver anything i've asked of you.

sure there are some girls out there that are prettier, some sexier, some "faster", with their goods laid out for the world to see.

but your conservative looks are just a mask. you and i both know that there's fire under that dress!

i've seen others out there that look like you, that try to emulate you, and perhaps they might even do a good job, but i know you're the only one for me.

some think that when i "make it" i'm gonna cast you aside for one of those showier girls, the girls that all the rich guys play around with.

they just don't know how good you are to me.

so here's to us, baby. may we stay together forever...

...or at least until your transmission goes out!

annie...don't wear no pannies...

okay. sugar water. chastain park. atlanta, ga.

kelis.
erykah.
queen lah.
jilly from philly.

IT WENT DOWN, Y'ALL.

i shoulda taken pics.

highlights:

• badu rockin the super-sized afro wig
• kelis doin the only song of hers that i like, "shooting star"
• jilly TEARIN UP a version of "not like crazy" although she didn't do "whatever"
• erykah gettin the "2 more minutes" warning from the sound guy, only to say 'fuck it' and launch into "other side of the game", a 10-minute version of "bag lady", and the intro to "danger" before The Man came out and made her stop
• the lady in the row in front of me gettin DRUNK AS HELL and proceedin to p-pop in front of somebody else's husband for the majority of the show.
• queen latifah rockin the damn crowd!! she still got it!! i gotta admit, when i saw her on the bill, i was thinkin "what the HELL is queen latifah gonna do?" but the second she hit the stage, and came out rappin', she had the place sewed up! AND she ended her set with "U.N.I.T.Y."
• random men "YEEK!'ing" on stage during queen's set

lowlights:

• them ppl pushin badu off the stage early. i got a whoooole list of songs i would have liked to hear, that they didn't let her get to. i see i'ma still have to go to a Badu-only show.
• for it to be a "festival" there was no DJ, no MC, nothing during the stage turnover to keep the crowd into the show.

i really should be writing more about it. some reason i don't feel like writing today, lol.

i will say this, though. i don't know if it was the artists, the music, or just somethin i've been goin through lately...but this concert made me miss kedra. like majorly. kelis, jill, and especially erykah was like the soundtrack to our relationship. i had a good time there, but i know, i KNOW that i would have just had a super off the charts amazing great time if she had been there with me. pathetic confession time: i snuck off to the smoking area and called her during jill scott's set. i stood where she could hear the music in the background, and we shared a couple songs and a couple memories together. yeah yeah i know, blah blah blah. anyway it was a great show and i had a great time, and i'm still exhausted from the weekend thats why my recap of it is probably very lackluster.

sue me.

the weekend.

wow, what a weekend.

~ started with a great yearly eval at work friday. mo money comin soon!

~ friday night was spent with my old ol girl. right before i got there, she hit me with the "gimme a heads up before you arrive, i've got company" line, like she didn't know all day that i'd be coming. but its all good. not too long ago a line like that would've had me seeking a new place to land...but i just said fuck it and went and got me some beer. this "friends" thing is gonna work its way out one way or another! i'm strong!

~ i had a good time with her though. i got pretty toasted on corona's (i had 5 to her 1 out of the 6-pack). watched a movie, hung out on the couch for the night. the next day, breakfast, "nostalgia" (however underwhelming), and just general shit-talking. she said "we aren't good at the friends thing". i say that remains to be seen.

~ saturday day was spent chasing my concert date around the city. i finally caught up with her about 5pm, and we got to prepping for the big event. the concert is another post though. post concert, i think ol girl was lookin forward to some "quality time" (her words). hell, i got drunk on her and fell asleep. NO CASUAL SEX!!

~ ol girl was really pissed that i didn't sleep with her! she called after i got back to memphis, and was tellin me about how she told her MOM and her homegirls about me comin through, spendin the night, and not gettin down with her...

~ she'll be aight.

~ sunday was spent chillin with dad briefly (driving around his new 525!) and then hittin the road... okay sorry for the shitty recap but i'm pacing myself to write this concert review.

~ laterz.

liberation...

lookin back, I'm not sure what kept me here for so long.

lookin around, I'm not sure how I ever thought of this place as home.

lookin closely, I see how far within you I had to look to see beauty.

lookin at my replacements, I realize how I'm really winning.

lookin in the mirror, I know that I can & will be happy, without your help.

I still love you though.

peace queen.

counting down to the Badu Hour

~ the concert is tomorrow! i aint even got my outfit together!

(yeah right i aint buyin no outfit...)

~ my phone just doesn't ring anymore. not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. oh, i did get some texts yesterday, but it was somebody askin for money, so that FA SHO don't count.

~ i think i might be hurtin for attention from time to time. i think i need to be "sweated" for a lil bit, ya dig? not on some selfish ego shit. but on some "hey somebody still thinks you're sweatable"...

"been such a long time/
i forgot that i was fine..." (c) badu

~ i had a great meeting with my boss again today. hell work is goin well. now everything else gotta catch up.

~ i gave myself a "goal" last night, and a deadline. i'm not gonna speak up on it too much, cuz i'm not used to using something like this to motivate me. lets see how it goes though!

~ i am almost fearful to hit the road after my "incident" last week. cross my fingers on that one...

so much on my mind, that i can't recline...

"...blastin' holes in the night, 'til she bled sunshine..."


*breathes in*

~ these three words. sweet & simple. remember that. R.I.P. Carlos.

~ i just haven't been in the game this week, at all. seems like i've been movin at half-speed since i got back from atlanta. i even took a day off *gasp!!* on tuesday.

~ to add to that, today is gonna be long as hell. a full day at work, then volunteering at the middle school for the better part of the afternoon/evening. they better dammit feed me.

~ LOL @ her saying what was missing from our relationship was "trust". i guess i can't blame her, cuz she had never been in a long distance relationship before. my advice to her (as a FRIEND!!) would be to never get in an LDR again.

~ i really honestly almost just fell asleep at my desk. i need to unquit coffee.

~ i'm startin to wonder if i'm lettin my bad attitude (RE: relationships) block my blessings.

~ speakin of which, i hung out with my new friend again tuesday. damn, she's dope. we got bbq (she paid!) and ate in her office, which by the way has a baller ass view of downtown Memphis. everytime i hang w/ ol girl, its somethin new about her that just makes me say "damn...".

• the first time we met, i was taken aback cuz i guess i just wasnt expecting her to look like that. also, the got the biggest smile on her face later that day when i pronounced her name correctly, guess she doesnt get that often.
• another time, i was meeting her at an event that she was attending with her co-workers from the firm. so i show up straight from work suit & tie, you know i dont wanna embarass her in front of her fellow lawyers, right? how bout she comes around the corner w/ her coworkers, she's rockin a wifebeater & some applebottoms(!!!). i said to myself, "self, she TRILL!".
• this most recent time, she knew all the words to "second nature!!" we were ridin, and i had my slow mix on (frowny face vol. 2, get you a copy!!), and "second nature" came on. usually i'll change it up when i'm ridin w/ someone cuz either a) they never heard it or b) they dont dig it. but she started singin along! as we were in her office she put me on to some stevie i hadn't heard before, too. good taste in music will get you EVERYWHERE with me, i tell ya.

don't get it twisted though, cuz it's not that serious. i don't WANT her, or want to be with her. i just reaaaally dig her style, and think she's a damn cool person to hang out with. i don't dream about her or think about holdin her hand or blowin her back out or nothin like that. but i guess that's the question i have for myself....should i? with all this so-called "compatibility" jumpin out at me from her, shouldn't i be feeling somethin? she fine as hell, we have great conversation, we got similar tastes, what's the holdup? well, lets consider that earlier list to be the PROS, and run down the cons real quick:

• she got a boyfriend. lol, yeah, i prolly shoulda mentioned that earlier. but ion't think she likes him that much, and ion't think he'd be in the picture when she moves to memphis. but yeah she got one and i have vowed to no longer actively break up happy homes.
• like i said we just chill, and have a good time doin it. no heavy romantic overtones whatsoever (although we did watch the sun set over the mississippi once, that was dope). but yeah i'd hate for the really good friendship we have to get fucked up because one of us misinterpreted somethin and caught feelins.
• i'm still stuck stupid stutterin stumblin trippin fallin over myself over my ex. in other words, i'm not ready.
• NO CASUAL SEX!!!

she nice though. and i got myself a new friend, so no complaints here.

~ damn i didn't mean to let that take up so much space! guess it was on my mind though.

~ me & tracy were havin a discussion on whether or not true love exists, and she pointed me to a post on the boards. within it was this quote:

that's the in love part. all that sweetie pie, I'd buy you
the moon for your birthday shit. real love is like, I don't like what you did,
but it's cool and we got work to do, cuz I unconditionally value your happiness
in life. when you really love someone, you'll leave them if you know the
relationship is a bad look, though you'll put in the work to make it proper.
when you in love, you'll fight to stay with they ass when you know shit is
fucked up and ain't gonna never change.

wow, that hit. especially the "cuz I unconditionally value your happiness in life". i've felt that way about somebody, and let me tell you its one of the greatest, most selfless feelings in the world. on the other hand, tho, it's one of the most devastating feelings in the world to find out that the person you feel that way about, DOESN'T feel the same about you. they DON'T unconditionally value MY happiness in life. hell maybe she don't even love me like that, she just loves the fact that i love her so much... let me stop cuz i see where this is goin and my blog aint about that no more! this is a happy blog!!! (c) mannie fresh

~ lol @ her myspace. game recognize.

~ i jokingly say "i hate women" from time to time. then from time to time i don't be damn joking. i need to go on dr. phil...before my ass ends up on maury!!

*breathes out*

R.I.P. Carlos "Willy" Sumpter (1981-2006)