man shit....

this love shit is for the fuckin birds, chief.

"that shit is played out like an 8-track" (c) nina mosely

pardon me if this shit gets off track. last month this time i was on top of the world, i had a woman who i thought really had my back, who really was down with me from here to forever.
now that's gone. i am on some straight up, heartbroken, bumpin luther and roberta flack in the car, drinkin too much, harold melvin shit right now.

i gotta tell you, as a man, and especially as a young man, its HARD to get all swept up in these feelings of love & romance & marriage and shit. y'all wanna fault a nigga when he gets bitter over a relationship gone bad, but by doing that you discount all the shit it took to get that fella to that point. men aren't built and conditioned to think about marriage. we dont grow up wondering what our wedding will be like, or how many kids we're gonna have, shit like that. so when we get grown, and we get to lovin a lady, and all these new tingly feelings come up, that shit is NEW! you wonder why its so hard to "break a man down" and get him to love...and then when you get him to love, you wonder why he loves so HARD and goes crazy and snaps over the littlest of shit (exaggeration maybe), but thats why. cuz that shit is new to us and sometimes we don't know how to act.

well that was me. and now i'm ALLLL fucked up in the game. (and ashamed to admit it!)
and to beat ALL that shit, now she wants to be "friends". the fuck? that just makes me a three-time loser, eh?

so i've got this woman who i love like i've loved no other in life. and i wanna BE with her, mayne. i need folks it takes a lot for a nigga to even just type that shit out. i reaaaally love this lady. my heart hurts when i think about her. but she don't want me back. ain't that fucked up? but it aint even THAT simple... cuz she can sit there and tell me how good of a man i am, how great of a lover i was ("the best", let her tell it), how good of a friend i am, how handsome i am, how sexy i am, how smart i am, how good a boyfriend i WAS (wtf?!), ALL THAT SHIT. she can tell me EVERYTHING else i wanna hear, except for "I wanna be with you."

but hey, it is what it is...

"i can't make u love me, if u don't..." (c) Prince

so i'm stuck off here in this gump-ass position of bein a "friend" to the lady i really wanted to wife (literally). who apparently still loves me and still thinks the world of me, just not the WHOLE world, ya dig. and apparently she's comfortable talking to me about her future plans to date and shit, and all this other bullshit i'd rather not hear. but i listen because:
1.) i can't even lie, i love her and i'll take any part of her i can get
2.) i'm a Prideful Motherfucker and if she can gloss over our relationship like it wasn't even there, then gatdammit i can do that shit too.

lol, ain't i dysfucntional??

i promise next blog i'ma be writin about bitches, blunts, and big booties.

for now tho, i'm hurtin. :(